I have reminders all over my home of my brother. I put his picture up in Elijah's room so that Elijah continues to remember his Uncle Brad. Elijah KNOWS that Uncle Brad is in heaven and that he will see him one day. He does not understand it but he does know it. And I love that. Without ever knowing it or meaning to, my brother taught Elijah something so powerful and important. He taught him Truth. We have a picture of Brad in our living room by the back door. I see him everywhere. I see him in young men (wow never thought of my 18 year old brother as a man) that I catch in my peripheral vision. It makes my heart stop from a split second of joy before it drops to my stomach with sadness once again.
My new normal is tossing and turning last night as I remember and relive his last ten hours in the hospital, regretting that I missed the first ten, though I got there as soon as we knew. I think about his tragic end and the moments and hours leading up to it. I cannot stop thinking about that even though I was not there. I see him laying in the hospital, not looking anything like him. I got to hold his hand for hours, and talk to him, witness to him. I am so grateful for that time. And yet.......there is something else in my heart. It is regret. Why didn't I fight for my brother.
I wish Brad had been a much a part of our daily lives in life as he in death. There are circumstances that prevented this or at least made it difficult. But there it is again. Regret. Why did't I fight through that, for him.
My new normal is obsessive. I think in times of vulnerability, certain character traits emerge. Especially those that may be considered a weakness. Is my obsession a weakness? Is it unhealthy? Maybe. Maybe not. There is so much uncertainty. There are, however, three things I am certain of. The first and most important is God loves Brad. Whatever that means for his life and death, no one will no until their end. But it is Truth. And I believe that His love is something Brad knew at some point in his life. Even for just a second. It counts. My brother is in heaven. Elijah is right.
The second thing I know is even though it sucks that there is a constant cloud of sadness, I am okay with it. Because I need to remember him. I want to remember him. I want to feel his presence and I believe I will always be sad that he died. And the fact that there is a constant sadness means I am thinking of him always, keeping his memory alive. There were many times when I would force myself to not think of Brad because it cause my fear and worry. Maybe if I had not allowed myself to do that, things would be different. But regardless, the best way to honor him is to remember him always. I don't mind the sadness. I would rather he be alive and happy in life. That would make me the most happy. But since he is gone, the constant cloud is alright. It has just become part of me as he has become part of me forever.
The final thing I know is that I will never be the same. I have changed. This part does make me a little sad. And maybe this change is temporary. After all it has only been a little over two months. But there are some definite changes I see in myself when I really take a step back. Most people that know me would probably say I was often (though not always) happy go lucky about things and extremely enthusiastic and easily excited. I have noticed lately that I don't really get those feelings anymore. I have good times, happy times even. But that excitement that I used to feel over things is gone. I have always been one of those people that could not sleep on Christmas Eve (yeah, even as an adult), the night before trips or big planned events. I just don't think I feel that way anymore. And that's okay too. But I used to really like that about myself. I was sometimes hurt that others didn't get excited over things the way I did but I always felt really lucky that I felt such joy out of life.
People ask a lot how I am doing. That's pretty much how I am doing. Most of my life I somehow relate to my brother. When I get a cut or a scrape that hurts I think about how much worse my brother's pain was. When my kids at chicken tenders at dinner the other night I thought about how that is exactly what Brad used to get at that same restaurant. He is everywhere. And as hard as this can be for me, my parents lost their child. I cannot even imagine. I can explain my own sadness over our loss. I cannot even put into words my sadness I feel for them and their loss. There are no words. This is the new normal.
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