Hard To Love

There is probably a lot about my personality that makes me hard to love. Ask anyone who has tried. But there are two I know for sure and they are results of things that happened to me, around me, and I did not ask for either of them. These two facts of my life created a dramatic shift in who I am.  They activated personality traits that were dormant and enhanced some that were less prominent. 

The first life altering fact of my life is infertility. Infertility brought forth this monster of pain and angst and people who have never been touched by it, let alone experienced it, love to give advice and condemn the victims of it for having feelings other than grace and happiness during pregnancy announcements, baby showers, family gatherings and allegedly innocent comments made about subjects that are, frankly, no one else's business. 

Not everyone deals with infertility the same. In fact, I am probably a worse case scenario on letting it impact life and emotions. (In fact, the first thing I say to someone who is in the weeds and overcome by the pain of infertility is "It is okay to feel this way. However you feel, whatever impulse you imagine, it is not wrong to feel that way"). Part of loving me as my partner in life is understanding that, even though I have had the honor and privilege to give birth to three amazing little boys through the miracle of IVF, babies still make me sad. I always planned on having a big family. I still would like that. But it is not a matter of me and my partner coming to that decision. After the decision is made, it becomes a matter of how the heck are we going to cough up $20,000 to maybe have a chance at one more baby. And if word of any of that gets out, that is when the peanut gallery chimes in and makes you feel like an ungrateful (insert your favorite expletive noun here) for not being satisfied with what you have etc. Nothing makes you feel like super mom more than someone telling you there is something wrong with you for loving your babies so much that you want more of them, and how some don't get any at all. I KNOW ALL THIS. BELIEVE ME! I COULD HAVE EASILY BEEN ONE OF THEM! 

So what does loving, specifically, me entail when dealing with babies? It means you are not allowed to be (at least visibly) happy for anyone's pregnancy/birth etc. Follow my lead, and if I am happy, go ahead and be happy but just a hair less happy than I appear to be,. Because if I am showing enthusiasm for anyone's pregnancy, I promise you, I am still dying on the inside. Sorry folks. Thems the facts. So many articles about dealing with someone who has infertility (dealing with, don't you just love it) advise friends and family to be understanding but still send out that invitation to the baby shower. I am here to tell you, I'm okay not getting it. I am honestly trying my best to pretend you aren't pregnant when you aren't around so that I don't have to think about the fact that I am not either. And if you really know me, you already know this and accept it and I have likely loved you enough to overcome this in spurts because you are important to me. 

But it is a lonely cross to bare, made only bearable by the person that loves me and their acceptance of what I need in that situation. 

There is one more thing that make me hard to love. It is one of those events has split my life into "before" and "after". I lost my baby brother March 23, 2015. He was 17 years my junior. His death was traumatic and I was by his bedside in the hospital for the last 12 hours of his life. Visually it is haunting. It is one of those things you can't "unsee". Emotionally it destroyed me. And left me questioning everything, including what I could have done to prevent it, my last interaction with him, the haunting waking dream I have of reliving, from his perspective, that day with great detail put together by hundreds of puzzle pieces I gathered from various sources, police reports, EMT reports, friends, family. 

The best way to explain the aftermath is not that it gets easier, but that the space between breakdowns gets harder and the timing, sometimes, is partially manageable. The days leading up to the anniversary of his death are always hard. I think about how this time, however many years ago, there was still time to save him. If I had only....then maybe.... But there are two dates, every year, that became mine when he died. March 23, his death and November 14th, his birth. I witnessed both. And if you love me, don't make plans for either day. I do not know how it will affect me that year. I do not know what I will feel like planning, how I want to honor him or how deeply the knife of pain will dig on that day, but once again (sorry not sorry) nothing matters that day but being with me and the boys and remembering my brother. Once again, people that know nothing about this kind of loss like to scoff, call you mentally ill, put an expiration date on your pain and generally belittle you for having feelings. But if you haven't been through it, you do not get to have an option.

Just like, if you haven't been through infertility and the components that make up my journey (Miscarriage, IVF, IUI, around $60,000, marital strain, NICU and almost losing one, hundreds of painful shots, hundreds of vaginal ultrasounds that leave you longing for just a normal visit to the gyno, anxiety ridden two week waits, thousands of dollars spent on fertility supplements and devices, special fertility diets, self loathing, you get the picture) you don't get to have an opinion and frankly should not talk about it unless you are saying something wonderful. 

And just a side note to my boys. 

YOU ARE ENOUGH. 

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY

PART OF THE REASON I WANT MORE IS BECAUSE OF HOW AMAZING YOU THREE ARE!

And to my brother

PART OF THE REASON I FEEL LOVE WITH THE IDEA OF MOTHERHOOD WAS BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU

Not all of the effects of these two elements has been negative. As a result of infertility and allowing my journey to be public, I have had the honor of walking with many others through that same journey, sharing some things I learned along the way through research and practice and offering words and advice that I wished someone would  have said to me. In fact, some I still need to hear these things at times, even if it is me saying it. And the same goes for my brother's death. Its yet another club that I never wanted to be a part of but there are a lot of us. And I am grateful for the fellowship and camaraderie. I am also grateful that the person that loves me already knows (partially figured out) and accepts these facts of our life. He knows this is not something I have a choice about, just like I didn't have a choice about the things that caused them. He knows that I might react to other's insensitivity in a less than desirable way but that I do not initiate confrontation on these issues and just need distance, with him, from the situation. He has become my advocate, my strength and allows me a reprieve. I am so grateful.  

IVF Round TWO, Petite Parish: The Process

March 12, 2013
Cycle Day Three
I have been on shots for three days. I am beginning to realize that they are having a great effect on me than they did the first time around. Maybe it is because I was such an emotional wreck the first time from the two years of infertility and trying to conceive not to mention lots of family drama happening around then on top of it.....and now things are pretty great so the side effects are more apparent. I'm on 150 ML of Bravelle and 75 ML of Menopur put together in a nightly stomach shot and I feel tension in my body, especially around my neck and head. I am grateful for the mediation CD's I found specifically geared towards IVF and am REALLY looking forward to getting my chiropractic adjustment on Wednesday.....three days away if I make it until then. I have my first check in appointment tomorrow to see how my body is responding to meds. I have no doubt it will be good news although they could up my meds dosage and we will be adding more meds later in the process. I still have about a week to go (or so) so we are still in the early stages. But I am glad to get this process going. Elijah and I have been out of town for the past several days and before that I was sick so I have lots of cleaning to do at home. I need to get everything in manageable order before the embryo transfer at the end of the month because then I will be on bedrest and then light light duty!

March 13, 2013
Cycle Day 4
I had my first doctor check in today and everything is progressing beautifully. We have eight eggs on one side and six on the other so far with the potential for a lot more. Dr. Williams is increasing my Menopur to 150ml starting tomorrow and I go back to the doctor on Wednesday to check again. I am eating a TON of mono saturated  fats to build my uterine lining and continuing to listen to my mediation CD's as well as foot soaks though I have not been quite as diligent with the foot soaks. Elijah has been sick so I have been a little limited. I feel like the next few weeks are going to go by so slowly.  Usually my days fly by with the business of running our home and taking care of Elijah but so far the days seems to to go pretty slow as the anticipation builds.

March 15, 2013
Cycle Day 6
I had another check in at the fertility doctor today. Nine follicles on one side and ten on the other. The uterine lining looks good. It is at a seven and the ultimate goal is a ten but we still have several days to get there. The nurse thought that we would begin the Centrotide today which blocks potential early ovulation....something we do not want when we are undergoing IVF....but apparently the follicles are not large enough for this to be a concern although my estrogen was high enough for the Centrotide to be considered. Part of me feels like "Okay, why aren't the follicles bigger then???". Like  I failed some sort of test. So stupid I know. Ultimately God is in control anyway. As I have been told several times....HE'S GOT THIS. So I need to just stop stressing. I really haven't stressed up until now. It has been mostly anticipation and excitement....and it still is. But the thing about IVF is...if it fails, it is not like you can just try again next month like anyone else trying to conceive a baby. I mean, I guess you can if you have that kind of money lying around but it is so much more than "Oh well. Better luck next month". Which is not to say it doesn't suck when people who can conceive naturally take a little longer but this is a whole different level.  But there is one thing that will not change no matter what the outcome of this cycle. I am a mother. I have a son. And he is AMAZING. So bring it on. God's got this.

May 17, 2013
Cycle Day 8
Well, I had a message from the nurse yesterday and started the Centrotide last night so I feel like I am back on schedule! I had a check in today and my uterine lining is THICK THICK THICK! The ultimate goal is for it to be at 10 (I'm not sure what the measurement is) and I am already at amost 12 with several days left for thickening! I have an incredibly ideal environment for growing babies! I know the avocados, macadamia nuts and olive oil have totally paid off! I bought a few more avocados today as well as more macadamia nuts and will choke them down for the next few days but I will not be sorry to see them go. I really normally like the foods but am def tired of them! I still have nine eggs developing on the left side but now have 13 on the right. However they are not as developed as the we would like to see so the nurse said she thinks the doctor will be increases my stimulation meds which hopefully I will only be on for three more days counting tonight. The nurse still believes I will trigger ovulation Monday and have my retrieval Wednesday. I can feel my hormones raging now..........the past two days have been especially bad. But I continue to pray, meditate and am taking more time to relax. 

Later in the day.......I got my email from the doctor's office and they are NOT increasing my meds which tells me the doctor thinks the size of my follicles looks good! :) Looking forward to a nice weekend with my family and hopefully news of my trigger shot on Monday. It is incredible to look at Elijah and thinks this is how he started. At one point, he was in one of those follicles that the nurses and I were looking at on the ultrasound. He was one of those eggs that they told me fertilized when I got "the call" after retrieval. And out of the four healthy embryos we got from the first IVF, he was the one that was healthy, implanted and stayed put for nine plus months. It is just incredible.  As I look at the image on the ultrasound, I imagine which little baby or babies will be next. Which of these follicles that I am looking at are going to produce the egg(s) that are to be our children.

May 20, 2013
Cycle Day 11
Well, I went into the doctor's office today anticipating that I would trigger ovulation tonight putting my retrieval on Wednesday as planned but the nurse said my follicles looked a bit immature still and she thought that Dr. Williams would want me on stim meds for an extra day. I just got the call and he wants me on them TWO extra days. I had prayed that Dr. Williams would have the knowledge to make choices that would give us success and I am sure that is what is going on here but two extra days added on to everything (retrieval, transfer and ultimately pregnancy test) kind of sucks. The end result is what is important but all this waiting is for the birds.  I know babies are SO WORTH THE WAIT but I am just ready to be pregnant again. I remember with my FET for Elijah, they had problems with their and I was bumped back a whole week. I almost cried when I got that call. In fact, I think I did cry. I may have even been on stim meds an extra day with the original IVF. It just messes with my head a little. But by Friday......yikes that seems so far away......I will be having my eggs retrieved. And it sort of works out for the better in some ways. My chiropractor was not going to be able to see me the day before the transfer and now she will!

May 23, 2013
Cycle Day 14
Yesterday I had another check up with the clinic......and everything looked AWESOME! My uterine lining was at almost 13 mm, I had 32 follicles, 20 of which looked mature and lots looked VERY mature at 20mm or more! Praise God! The nurse told me that every looks ideal for success!!! That two days made so much difference.  God really knows what he is doing! And so does Dr. Williams! So last night I did my trigger shot which means my retrieval is Friday. I have been soaking/scalding my feet in a hot foot bath every night the last couple days (though it is beneficial to do it all through the cycle) and going on walks every day (which I used to do but had gotten out of the habit in recent months. This also helps circulation which is supposed really help with implantation. I also keep warm socks on my feet at all times when I am home. And today I will be going to my chiropractor for a pre retrieval adjustment. I am torn between wanting to have lots of healthy embryos to work and just a few really good ones. I want all my embryos to be of the best quality but this is a situation where you don't want too much abundance.  After all there are only so many kiddos we can have. I just pray that the two little embryos that they transfer next week implant....take root and grow grow grow! I am feeling very positive and hopeful but it is also such a scary process.

May 25, 2013
Cycle Day 16
Yesterday was my egg retrieval. I was put under general anesthesia and the doctor "harvested" 19 eggs. I had 32 follicles but not all were mature and the doctor told me ahead of time that she was just going to go after the best ones. I spent the rest of the day relaxing while my mother in law and Chip took care of Elijah and me. It was nice to get to relax. I was a little achy but nothing too bad. Last night I had a terrible time falling asleep. I am so anxious to be pregnant.....so anxious to have my babies back inside of me. I kept thinking about how right now, my eggs are being fertilized....right now is the beginning of life. I know that sleep will not come easy over the next days and possibly weeks.  Today I was still feeling kind of bloated and sore. I got the call late morning reporting that we have 12 embryos. TWELVE. Such a divinely significant number.   12 tribes of Israel. 12 days of Christmas. It as brought to my attention that God likes 12. Now the last time we did this process, I had 25 eggs and 15 fertilized resulting in 4 good embryos and 2 pregnancies (1 early miscarriage). So we are so far working with less than we did last time. But I feel God's presence in this process and shall not be discouraged. So the morning went well. Then as the day wore on, I got more and more uncomfortable. Chip reminded me that when they harvest eggs, they blow up your abdomen with air and that I went through pain last time. Well it really started to hit around 4pm and we were at a friends house. It was definitely time for me to go home. Talk about pain. Gas pains, constipation. It's not pretty but it is part if the harsh reality of this process and I want me testimony to be accurate so my sisters can know what to expect. Seriously, these were as bad as labor pains. I was literally doubled over moaning on the way home. But as all things do, this too shall pass. (no pun intended) and the waves of agony are fewer and further between. And totally worth it by the way. 4 more sleeps until my babies are back in my belly.

May 28, 2013
Cycle Day 19
Pregnancy Eve. At least I pray that is what it is. Tomorrow, around 7:30am Dr. Williams will transfer two of the best embryos into my waiting womb. I have done all I know of to prepare for this moment both mentally, spiritually and physically. I have been soaking my feet in HOT water at night and going on nightly walks to help with circulation. I began my progesterone shots two days ago. Chip has not lost  his touch! (He administers the shots in my heinie.)  This is going to end up being a really short update because Elijah is having a very "needy" day. I think he senses change.

May 29, 2013
Cycle Day 20
T Day. Transfer day. Well yesterday the surgery center called me at 5:30PM and told me that I was being bumped to 12:30PM. This meant several things. I would NOT be the first in and therefore would be effected by the day's delays. It would also mean that my BFF could not watch Elijah so that my mother in law could accompany us for the transfer as she did when we had our FET for Elijah's conception. This was devastating......at first. Afterall, they are dealing with hormonal, emotional, INFERTILE women here! This kind of change though seemingly minor, could really just break such a person. Well I have been praying (so hard) for the Lord to work especially on the two embryos that He already knows will be the ones chosen for the transfer. Who am I to know or say if this is not His hand in that? Perhaps there are circumstances that I may never know which I may never know, involving my babies that made this necessary. Could this be another lesson in patience. I have had several of those this cycle. I just pray this is the LAST one involving conception and that this cycle is THE CYCLE. It also occurred to me that as much as Elijah loves Heather (my BFF), he has stayed with Grandmother (my mother in law) often and this might be what is best for Elijah. All of those thing made me at peace if not still a little agitated. I realized that the morning might now go by pretty slow so I let Elijah stay up late (8:30pm) with the thought that MAYBE he would sleep in a bit. When he goes to bed at 7:00PM he wakes up around 6:00am. Yeah. No. That did not work. He was up at 5:30. And all I could think is I have five hours before we need to leave. Granted, there are lots of things I now planed to do. I can get in one more walk and foot soak to boost circulation. I can actually do my devotions outside while Elijah plays instead of trying to focus in the car or waiting room. I can have some time with Elijah in the morning before I turn over all duties for the next 5 days and lots of duties for hopefully the next nine months. I might even wear him a bit since I will probably not be able to do that for a while. These are all good things.  So it is 6:00AM and I will wait patiently and go about my day. In a few (hopefully short) hours, my babies will be back in me where they belong. And I pray they are healthy, strong and ready to implant!

Transfer day!

Getting some time in with my favorite little boy before this bit T!

Quick family photo. Could this be the last time we are a family of THREE?????

Waiting to go back to the O.R.

It's show time!

Snuggling Elijah's bedtime lovey. I wanted a little piece of him with us on this day.

A few moments of prayer and mediation before we begin.

Babies' first photo! How many people get to see what their kiddos look like at five days gestation!

Catalina.......she got me through the last pregnancy and I know she will get me through this one too. She is THE nurse at Houston Fertility. She took a break from her ultrasound and check up duties to come give us a good luck hug after the procedure. I love this woman and am so grateful to have her in our lives.

I'm home now beginning my 5 days of bedrest. This morning I took a walk, did my guided mediation and a self fertility massage. Transfer went great! Two perfect embryos are nesting in my womb as we speak! For the next five days I won't have any dairy (not unusual for me) only warm or room temp food and will lay down. I also am keeping a pillow under my butt for the first day or two

Bedrest....What I did

1. I did almost a whole day extra of bedrest and then took it easy throughout what would be the fifth day. 

2. No cold food or drink, even water. It makes your uterus contract. You want to be as relaxed as possible

3. Keep on warm socks. This helps with circulation. Again, good for the uterus and implantation. 

4. I ate (everyday) yams, walnuts, a piece of pineapple core and a glass of (warm) pineapple juice. These all are supposed to be benefitial for different reasons and none of them can hurt. Just don't over do it on the pineapple. With the core, split one into five pieces and eat one piece a day starting the day before the transfer.

I used flowers as my visualization for meditation and these were some inspiration during bed rest.

Its advisable to keep your belly warm...not hot...but warm for the first few days. Elijah let Petite Parish use his Granny blankets!

Lots of visits from Chip and Elijah got me through a long four days.

You look at this face and just know it is all worth it!

I had some Elmo in the Netflix que for when I had a little visitor.

We had a visit from Jessica and Elijah got a belated birthday present!!!

He knew just what to do!

Love my neighbor!

Would could not have done this without Grandmother. She stayed with us the whole time and took care of me and Elijah while Chip was at work and co slept with Elijah. He was so well adjusted the whole time. He just went about his day easy peasy.

Post bath visit!

I loved getting to watch playtime.

Elijah loves popcorn so I had a bag with me and we would snack on it together.

Silly Boy.

June 2, 2013
Cycle Day 24
(Drum Roll Please.........3 Weeks 2 Days PREGNANT!)
It is not official and it is a VERY FAINT positive but it has been agreed that it is a positive nonetheless. It is VERY early  and my beta numbers are probably around 15...the hormone literally just starting to be produced. I am guessing that number because the dollar store tests that I used pick up at 25 and it is so faint it barely picks it up but it is definitely a PINK line! I go to the the clinic tomorrow to check my progesterone level and I am going to let the nurse know and see if they want to go head and start my Beta testing. With Elijah I got a pretty clear positive at about 3 weeks 4 or 5 Days so this seems right on for my beta numbers with him which thrills me because our numbers were so strong so early. Chip is still in the "don't count your chickens before they hatch" mode and I am trying not to be over excited but see for yourself!

June 4, 2013
Cycle Day 26
3 Weeks 4 Days Pregnant
It is definitely there....that little pink line. In fact, I got a digital YES as well! Elated and grateful to God for this blessing. There is a "but". Last night I woke up to some cramping and had kind of a rough day yesterday where I overdid it. Now I did have chili for dinner and it COULD have been gas but any kind of pain other than LIGHT cramping is scary in pregnancy and it is so early and fragile right now. So today I am taking it very easy. I have taken lots more pregnancy tests (as you would see if you walked into my house cause they are all over the place) and it seems like everything is okay but at this point, even if my beta levels began to drop, you could not tell from a test HPT because they don't test amount of the hormone, just its presence except of course at the very beginning when you get those faint positives. So my hands are folded in prayer as I pray for the life within. It is a waiting game and I am hoping to exhale in a couple days. By then if I still have a strong positive, I will feel confident.



June 6, 2013
Cycle Day 28
3 Weeks 6 Days Pregnant
Well the morning sickness has started. It is mild but there. And reassuring. I actually don't mind it because it indicates a healthy pregnancy. What I am not a fan of is that for the past three days I have felt like I swallowed air that will not release. It is painful and making my tummy very tender. I am hoping this goes away soon....unless it is serving some protective purpose, then I will gladly shine it on. 

Prepping for IVF.....Getting Ready for Petite Parish (Baby #2!)

January 15, 2013

Chip and I are planning on beginning our in vitro process once again after Elijah's first birthday.  We do not have any eggs frozen so we will be starting from the beginning. I feel really good about starting this process over because (even though I lost our first baby) I was able to get pregnant two out of two embryo transfers plus I feel like I am a lot healthier both mentally and physically this time around. Still, I want to maximize our chances of success and hope to have better egg quality and quantity this time.  I have been studying diet, supplement and lifestyle routines for fertility and IVF preparation.  I have taken the information I learned and developed a diet for myself to follow that I would like to share. I have also been seeing a holistic chiropractor, who is helping balance me and get my body ready for a new resident! 

Fertility IVF Diet:

It is best to start this at least three months prior to beginning the IVF process to get maximum benefit as what  you are exposed to effects your eggs the most three months out.  

Every Day

Walk- Exercise in moderation is great! It helps with circulation and energy but it is important not to overdo it.  Maintain a BMI of between 19 and 23 for optimum health and conception chances!

Meditate- Stress is a definite factor with fertility and IVF.  I don't expect this time around to be nearly as stressful because we are blessed with an incredible, wonderful, amazing baby boy! As much as I would love a large family, if we remain a family of three because this does not work, I am at peace with that. But I long deeply for Elijah to be a big brother and I meditate daily to release my stress and give our upcoming embryos the best chance possible.

Food- 2 servings of colorful veggies, 2 eggs, 1 serving of raw sesame seeds, 1 serving of sunflower seeds ( I sometimes use sunflower butter!), 1 avocado, olive oil, coconut oil, fertility smoothie (recipe to follow), 1 vitamin C fruit, 2 other fruits (can be vitamin c), dark leafy greens, at least one of garbanzo beans/lentils/black beans, raw pumpkin seeds, blackstrap molasses tea

Weekly: two serving of seafood and two servings of organic, free range chicken or grassfed beef. (This one is tough and I don't always do it because I maintain a mostly vegetarian diet but I am trying to incorporate meats into my diet. 

Supplements: Fermented Cod Liver Oil, Selenium, Vitamin B Complex., Probiotics,  Prenatal vitamins (I am actually on Theralogix lactation support since I am still breastfeed which has all that I would need from prenatals, Chia Seeds. DHEA could be added (once I'm not breastfeeding) if I was a poor responder to the medication but we had not trouble last time so I won't be needing that.

STEAR CLEAR OF: Dairy, Gluten, Refined Sugars, Fruit Juices, Bottled Water (chemicals from the plastic can sometimes find their way into the water, soy except fermented, and limit grains.

FERTILITY SMOOTHIE:

Two scoops of vanilla protein powder

One cup almond milk

One teaspoon of Royal Jelly (what the queen bee eats that makes her the queen and produce all those eggs!)

Two teaspoons of Ultra Greens (Fertilica)

One teaspoon of sesame seeds

A Squeeze of local honey

5-6 ice cubes

1 Banana

Blend and Enjoy!

February 7, 2013

I went to see our Reproductive Endocrinologist (AKA Fertility Doctor), Dr. Williams today to plan our IVF for Petite Parish! Because I had a C-section, I will need to have a hysteroscopy to check for scarring. This will happen just as soon as my cycles return as well as baseline bloodwork. The good news is that if my cycle returns before I wean Elijah, we don't have to wait between weaning and IVF whereas originally we thought there would be a four week waiting period between weaning and beginning the IVF meds.  I am glad they do the hysteroscopy to check for scarring. No one looks forward to surgery but it will put my mind at ease to know what we are dealing with and I know I have the very best doctor who has walked this journey with me from very early on.. I feel very positive right now that we will be welcoming Petite Parish into our family in about a year.

February 21, 2013

Our hysteroscopy is scheduled for one month from today. Big time prayers are in the works for them to find no scarring. A little piece of me thinks...him...maybe while they are in there they will peak around the corner at my fallopian tubes and find that they have been miraculously healed! Yeah, one can dream. I am relieved to have our procedure date set.

I have also begun to incorporate self fertility massage, castor oil packs and IVF meditation CD's into my daily regime. These are all things that have been shown to improve success rates of IVF. Some claim this is soley because they relax you while others say the healing and balancing goes to a deeper level. Either way, I'll take increased odds!

March 21, 2013
I had my hysteroscopy today and it appears there is no scarring from my c section and no other surprises so we are all systems go for IVF....as soon as my cycles start and Elijah is weaned. I anticipate starting meds in early May! 

April 18, 2013
Cycles have returned! We have our baseline blood work Monday!

I have adjusted my IVF supplement support for what I can do while I am on meds! Ultra Greens had to go because there is some stuff in it that might interfere with meds. Even natural herbs and such can effect the efficiency of the fertility meds. SO....this is what I am taking throughout the next two weeks or so up until they do my egg retrieval.......

Fish Oil - Now that we are days away from medication, no more Cod liver because of the levels of vitamin A however fish oil is very important. I get mine from Costco. According to Livestrong.com "Increasing your intake of omega-3 fatty acids may boost your chances of becoming pregnant. Before you undergo IVF, your doctor may recommend some lifestyle changes including taking a fish oil supplement. A 2011 prospective study published in “Fertility and Sterility” found that increased intake of the polyunsaturated fats, including omega-3 fatty acids, help to improve embryo morphology, or the shape and appearance of embryos, during IVF. Researchers suggested that two particular types of omega-3 fatty acids, alpha-linolenic acid and docosahexaenoic acid -- both of which are present in fish oil -- are especially important to improve the chances of conceiving during IVF

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/558723-fish-oil-ivf/#ixzz2QxSLarlg"

Multi-Vitamin - I still have some of my lactation support left so I am just continuing to take that until gone and then hopefully will switch over to a prenatal vitamin!

Folic Acid (800MCG)  - So so so important in pregnancy and good to start taking before you are pregnant if possible. You should take less than 1000MCG but more than 400 MCG or .4MG. According to WebMD "Folic acid, which is also called folate, is a B vitamin. The best food sources of folic acid are fortified cereals. Folic acid plays an important role in the production of red blood cells and helps your baby's neural tube develop into her brain and spinal cord."

Selenium AND 5 or more Brazil Nuts a day (natural selenium) - This helps create a nice thick uterine lining.....good for embryos to stick to! :) Yes, I know they don't stick, they "implant" but the IVF community wishes one another "sticky babies". :)

Juice Festiv - This is a generic version of JuicePlus and you can get it the cheapest at Sam's but they do have it at Amazon. It contains vitamins and minerals from 46 different fruits and vegetables and has been recommended by several IVF web sites by RE's for before and during IVF/Pregnancy.

Royal Jelly (in protein shake) - Here is what The Infertility Cure has to say about Beel pollen and royal Jelly: "Bee pollen and/or royal jelly is regenerative and tonifying. Bogdan Tekavcic M.D., a Yugoslavian gynecologist, conducted a study in which the majority of women who were given bee pollen with royal jelly showed improvement or disappearance of their menstrual problems, while there was no change in the placebo group. Another study showed bee pollen significantly improved sperm production in men. Bee pollen, which is worker bee food, is rich in vitamins, minerals, nucleic acids, and steroid hormones, and improves health, endurance, and immunity. royal jelly is modified pollen fed only to the reproducing queen bee, whose job is to produce more infant bees. The nutritive tonic might be considered the bee equivalent of fertility drugs. Rich in amino acids, vitamins, and enzymes, royal jelly helps the queen lay millions of eggs and live longer than the worker bee."


Avocados, Olive Oil, Coconut Oil - I found several sites that claim these forms of monounsaturated fats can almost triple your chances of conceiving through IVF! So make sure to eat these foods as many times a day as possible along with nuts and seeds.  "Researchers from the Harvard School of Public Health studied the fat intake of 147 women, who were mostly in their 30s and undergoing IVF treatment, and found that women who ate the highest amounts of monounsaturated fat were 3.4 times more likely to have a child after IVF compared to those who ate the lowest amounts."
Read more at http://www.medicaldaily.com/articles/10752/20120710/ivf-avocado-fats-pregnancy-harvard.htm#bXVdyRjuSAMuVWDT.99

 Circle and Bloom IVF Mediation CD's- These meditation CD's that I mention earlier have a mediation for every day of the IVF cycle and studies have shown this type of meditation to greatly increase your success rates!

Self Fertility Massage - I also mentioned this earlier. I used the self fertility massage in the months leading up to my hysteroscopy and got great results. It is not advised to do self fertility massage during menses or during your IVF medication cycle however once the eggs are harvested and BEFORE the embryos are transferred, self fertility massage is a great way to get circulation going and I will be doing it in the days between those two events. I will also be going to my chiropractor for a full body massage.

Chiropractic Care- Earlier I talked about a holistic chiropractor that I was seeing. Since then I have become uncomfortable with this methods so I called a local birth center and asked for a recommendation. Dr. Amber Smith was recommended to me and I have never looked back! She is amazing! Both Elijah and I get weekly adjustments from her, though I will probably cut back once I get pregnancy to twice a month. Both Elijah and I have experienced a boost in our immune systems and I feel an improvement in my overall general health. Chiropractic care is also said to increase your chances of IVF success and a healthy pregnancy!

Hot Water Foot Soak -  I have seen several places that state this is helpful during the follicular phase of the IVF cycle. Just 15-20 minutes in the evening. This is one that I am not sure how it helps but it can't hurt so we will be doing this as well.

April 22, 2013
I had my base line blood work done today and found that I have AT LEAST 10 follicles on each ovary! That means we could possibly get over 20 eggs! Yay! The last time we go about 25 but only 4 developed so I am hoping that we have higher number this time....but I am also really hoping that it just takes one transfer to get that BIG FAT POSITIVE. I also found out that I have to wait two weeks to start my meds. I am put on birth control for two weeks. This is done to give you body (and ovaries) a rest before the big push to produce. I had hoped to start the meds this week but I know that it is all in God's time and I hope and pray that timing is lining up with this first two week wait. :) I also have a little bit of a sinus infection and itchy throat so this give that a chance to clear up.

The Parish Family Testimonial on HFI Website!

As many of you know, a couple months after Elijah was born, we did a testimonial for our fabulous fertility clinic and Dr. Williams. Well, HFI just revamped their web site and our video is up! Take a look!

IVF Treatment Houston - Fertility Center Patient Testimonial

Houston Fertility Institute Baby "Shower"

Since Elijah and I were released from the hospital TWO DAYS EARLY because we were progressing so well....we were able to attend the annual HFI Baby "Shower". It is an annual picnic where all the babies conceived with the help of the clinic and their parents gather together to celebrate their success and these amazing new lives.  I think it is safe to say that at 65 HOURS old, Elijah was the newest one there!

It was so much fun getting our boy all dressed up in this adorable little outfit! All ready to go!

The proud parents and baby with the fabulous Dr Williams that helped make us into a family of three. 

Elijah slept soundly through most of the excitement

Cecilia was one of the HFI nurses.  She was with us from pretty much the beginning of our journey there and took great care of our family.  Our long journey to parenthood was made so much better by the care and attention of the whole HFI staff. 

After our first transfer, Ceci transferred to another HFI location so this was the first time Chip met her.  He was so happy to be able to thank her in person for all she had done for our family.

Babywearing sisters! Aunt Biz and Jacob were sweet enough to join us on this special first outing and record our moments with the HFI staff.

It was an amazing day and an amazing first outing.  

Reasons and Reflections

Just this weekend, Chip and I were talking about what we have done for St. Patrick’s Day past and we realized we could not remember what we did last year.  Then we realized what was going on this time last year and why we did not celebrate.  Just one year ago, we were in between finding out that we could not have children naturally and making the decision to move forward with IVF.  It was an extremely sad and dark time for us both and there were no celebrations to be had.  Finding out that I could not conceive the “traditional” way was devastating but not knowing if we would have the means to move forward with an alternative method, put us both in such dark and tragic place in life.  I will always remember that time as “rock bottom”. Little did we know that an amazing miracle in the form of a baby boy would be heading our way in the months to come! 

I don’t know why some people are fertile and others are not.  I don’t know why some of us are chosen to go through this experience.  In my times of dark bitterness, I searched in vain for a reason why this was happening to me, and to us.  As I come out on the other side of longing and am about to become a mother, I realize my struggle may have a purpose.  You see, during my testing, procedures, depression and emptiness, my best friend was there to guide me.  She had been through what I was going through.  She shared her experience, prepared me for what was to come and helped me pull through the darkness.  I did not know it then, but her loving words along with those of many of our friends and not least of all, my dear husband, helped to carry me through this time.  

I now find myself “surrounded” by women who are at different points in the same struggle that I have walked through.  I can only hope that I can offer even a fraction of the love and support that my Heather gave me.  But I do feel my purpose.  I feel my experience, strength and hope wanting to lend itself to these dear friends that I know will soon be Mommies.  Looking back, I can see when the dark times were and when I started moving back towards the light.  I did not know these things at the time.  I know that it is easier to see these things in retrospect and also that everyone’s journey is not the same.  But I hope that sharing my experiences has helped and will help these amazing women.  Good luck, my friends. You know who you are.  And I KNOW we will be celebrating your mommyhood very soon.

The Journey Continues...to Elijah.......

The Journey to Elijah…..

After our loss and what seemed like an endless 21 months of trying to have a baby, we began preparations for our frozen embryo transfer. We had two embryos left from our IVF.  An amazing blessing allowed us to move quickly forward with our frozen embryo transfer, separating the procedures by just 10 weeks.  We began our progesterone shots to prepare my body for its new tenant(s).  I could write an entire book on the ups and downs of progesterone shots but we will just say that it was totally worth it.

Our frozen transfer was scheduled, after some delays, for August 16, 2011.

We decided that it would be a really neat thing to have my mother in law share this part of the journey. After all, how many mothers can say they were there for the conception of their grandchildren. We were very excited for her to be able to share this with us and potentially be with us at the beginning of life.

This time I put myself on bed rest for 5 days, taking no chances this time.

Mom (Parish) and Granny stayed with me and Chip took care of me in the evenings.  I laid on my back and tried to find the inner strength.  I looked to God. I looked to my lost child. I looked to family long gone.  I took cleansing breaths and tried to draw the strength and energy from all these sources.

On the last night of bed rest, I received a call from my best friend, Heather. Her beloved grandfather had passed.  She told me that when someone passes in her family, someone is always born. And because we consider one another sisters, she felt sure that this child that was put into me would attach, thrive and be born. 

A week passed. I had another week left to wait before my blood test. I just so happened to remember, on the way to work, that there was a pregnancy test in my glove compartment. (I had taken so many over the past two years of trying, I would occasionally find them random places).  I told myself that it was too early to know for sure but I knew I what I was going to do.  I got to work and headed straight to the bathroom.  At first my heart sunk. I only saw 1 line. I closed my eyes ready to cry and when I opened them again, as if by magic, another little blue line had appeared! I could not believe it! I took this test 1 week after my transfer and it was already showing up as positive. This had to be a good sign! I called Chip and he was elated but warned me not tell anyone yet. 

A week later we had our “official” blood test (4 weeks pregnant) and found that our beta levels (the pregnancy hormone) were over 1000!!!! The levels on our first pregnancy had only been 65. This pregnancy was strong and thriving! I heard and saw the heartbeat at just 5 weeks! The elation and joy was there from the beginning but it came in waves.  We were very scared and very cautious but slowly we began to realize that this time was for real. Our baby was really on the way.

And now he is so real that he keeps me up at night, kicks me in the ribs, gets hiccups in my belly and his little personality is already apparent even though he won’t be here for another couple of months. Our amazing journey has just begun. 

Photos of Elijah's journey into being....

We gathered our strength and renewed our hope as we  continued to what would become a successful  transfer!

Not many  Grandmas can say there were present when their grandchild was conceived!

It was so special to be able to share this together

Bed rest again...and Mom (Parish) stayed with me since Chip could not take off this time.

Granny was with me as well and was a wonderful cuddle companion

It was a great example of how the Parish women stand by one another

Our Long Road to Conception....

Recently, Chip and I were interviewed for a show called Top Docs of Houston with our Reproductive Endocrinologist (aka “Fertility Doctor”), Dr. Daniel Williams.   Although most friends and family have known the story of our conception, and many walked through it with us, I had never actually written about it.  With the airing of our show, I decided to share the rest of the story……

 We began our conception journey in November, 2009.  I think I always knew, deep down, that expanding our family would not be easy but I had no way to prepare for what lay ahead.  I went to see my OB in December to get a check up and make sure that everything was in working order.  I had no way of knowing that it takes more than a simple pelvic exam determine this.  And we had no reason to believe that there would be any problems. My OB gave me a prescription for prenatal vitamins and said to come back in six months if we had no luck, at which time, she would put me on Chlomid to help me “ovulate better”.  As our luck would have it, April rolled around and no baby so I went back…..a month early.  I was put on chlomid for 3 months. What I did not know at the time was that with Chlomid, you are supposed to be monitored for ovarian cysts (which my OB was not doing) and that you are only supposed to be on the drug for a total of 3 months in a lifetime.  I ended up leaving my OB in June for some personal differences and found another OB who ordered some testing.  I had an Hysterosalpingogram (HSG)  performed which showed no blockage.     ( We would later wonder if this procedure had been done correctly due to the blockage would eventually be found).

 Finally it was time to go a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I had feared this but also was ready to forge ahead.  I found Houston Fertility Institute online and saw they had some of the highest success rates in the country. Dr. Williams responded to my inquiry on a Saturday morning.  He was friendly,  professional and I was very impressed with receiving a call on a Saturday. We set up an appointment for September 2010. 

I went through a battery of blood testing and Chip had some testing as well.  Both of us passed with flying colors. Why, then, were we not pregnant. At this point, we had been trying a full year.  We looked at our options and because my earlier HSG showed no tubal blockage, the logical next step was intrauterine insemination.  Dr. Williams felt that with the previous testing we had, IUI was a logical next step. This took place at the beginning of December.  By the end of December we knew it had failed.  Before we moved forward with another IUI procedure, Dr. Williams wanted to dig a little deeper….in my uterus. We knew that I had endometriosis and uterine septum. The endometriosis can make it difficult to GET pregnant and the uterine septum makes it difficult to STAY pregnant. A laparoscopy and hysteroscopy would be the key to correcting both of these problems.  The procedure was set up for the end of January.  Again, I was plagued with fear but also excitement. I felt like this procedures may even correct my infertility to the point where no more treatment is necessary and we could have a natural conception.  When I awoke from the anesthesia, Chip was in the room with me and I knew there was something wrong. The first words out of my mouth were, “Please just tell me whatever it is you don’t want to tell me”.  He then laid out the devastating news that my tubes were, in fact, blocked. The endometriosis was so severe that three incisions were required to get to all of it and my tubes were swollen, blocked and scarred to the point of being deformed.  I felt as if my whole world just fell about around me.  I knew, at that point, that Invitro Fertilization (IVF) would be our only hope and it was so much more expensive than our prior procedures.  I just didn’t see how we could make it happen.  Those were some very dark months for our family.  The first half of 2011 was tough.  There was anger, tears, depression and thoughts and words that I hope I never encounter or cause again.  There is no way to prepare for this. There is no way to find joy when you feel that lost. We made it through that time because my husband was the strength for us both and would not allow me give up on us as a family, even if it meant just us.  To me, the longing of motherhood was so strong and the thought that it might never happen, just too painful.  The kind words of friends helped get us through this. I remember, in particular, a handwritten letter in the mail from our dear friend Rita. The line that sticks out is “There is no doubt in my mind that you will be a mother”. This got me through some dark days as well. 

The medication I was on for the IVF

When spring rolled around, we had done some financial organizing and research through some amazing blessings, were able to schedule our IVF

The first step was to harvest the eggs and create the embryos. This happened in June. I was sedated and don’t really remember much. The procedure itself was not bad. I had been told that the harvesting of the eggs leaves you very sore and in a lot of pain.  Due to my battle with endometriosis and , apparently, high tolerance for pain, my recovery time was minimal and I was back at work the next day. I probably could have gone to work that day had it not been for the sedation.

Five Days later, we went in for our fresh embryo transfer. There were 4 embryos from our procedure. Not as many as we would have liked but more than some people.  Two would be transferred and the other two frozen.

Following our fresh transfer, I was ordered to 3 days of bed rest.  Chip took off from work to take care of me and, as you can see below, I had a parade of visitors come to keep me company and wish us luck!

Two weeks past and it was time for our pregnancy test. I went in the morning for the test and then took a half day at work so I could learn the results at home. My sweet mother in law met me for lunch. I forced myself to eat and then we met Chip at home to wait the results. Around 3pm we got the call. The words on the other end of the line were music to my ears. One of my favorite nurses, Ceci, said “Put me on speaker phone. You’re pregnant!”.  You cannot imagine the joy the erupted in my living room that afternoon. After such a painful journey, the sheer elation and relief was unmatched. I enjoyed that feeling for five days….until we went in for our ultrasound and found out that we had lost our little baby.  Our teeny tiny baby Parish was gone so fast and we mourned. We mourned the loss of this child that was so cherished, so hoped for and already so loved and we only had this child for 5 days. I kept wondering to myself at what point had I stopped being pregnant and not known. I cannot even express how devastating this was so I will not try. And thankfully, the story does not end here............

 Here are some photos of this part of our journey......

About to have our fresh embryo transfer

Dr. Williams pointing to the ultrasound monitor of the embryo's being transferred

                                     We had lots of visitors come to share this part of our journey

My cousin, Susie, came down for Austin and helped me kill time on bed rest

Lacy and Rita come bearing the gifts of magazines and laughter. Just what the  doctor ordered!

Melissa and Brayden hung out with me and we watched movies together

Brien brought me a Locatelli's pizza!

Nan spent an afternoon by my side

My brother, Mark, surprised me with a visit....and more pizza!

Chip took very good care of me

And Heather was there for me as always.