“Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.” John Lennon really knew what he was talking about. We were planning a beautiful, peaceful, inspirational twin home birth (after cesarean). It was meant to give our family of five a humble, loving and quiet beginning. It was meant to be healing for me after my birth with Elijah which did not go as hoped. It was meant to be a gentle way to welcome to newest members of our family into the world. I had visions. Visions of a home filled with peaceful joy. First days laying in bed nursing my two newborns with well wishers quietly floating in and out of our home. I dreamed of Elijah being gently transitioned from only child to big brother of two, spending those first days with us, coming up to cuddle whenever he wanted. Sitting with my three boys and the two littlest ones slept, watching Elmo cuddled up with Elijah……
Our Story really begins four days before I went into “active” labor. I had Braxton Hicks contractions from about 16 weeks…..months earlier than I had experienced them with Elijah. The last month of them, they had started to really pick up in intensity. They not only took my breath away but woke me up at night and really hurt. Wednesday night, this took on a whole new meaning as prodomal labor hit. I really don’t like calling it “false labor” because there was nothing false about what I was feeling. I was little crawling around on hands and knees for HOURS……like from the time Chip got home until the wee hours of the morning……in pain with not only intense contractions but intense cramping in between, getting no breaks. There were a few times I really thought “This is it” but the contractions did not have a pattern and while I was seriously feeling transition type pain (telling Chip gets your hands off me) by early early morning, it had subsided. We did call the midwives and one of them, Carmen, came over to check me. Camilla also came later on. They could see that I was really having to work to get through these contractions but I think we all knew that this was just not it.
Because at my last check, I was 3 cm dilated, –1 station (baby A had dropped) and 80% effaced, we all thought labor was not far behind. I was also exhausted and it was really getting hard to keep up with Elijah in these last weeks. My mother in law offered to come over and take Elijah to her house for the day. I hated him leaving but I knew that I needed to focus. One of my midwives, Shannon, was coming over that day to work with me on getting things moving. We spent the day doing things like curb walking which encourage labor only if it is close to coming on its own. She also had discovered that I have cervical scar tissue during one of my checks, something that can cause labor to stall and account for the painful cramping that I would continue to feel over the next couple of days. We were working on getting that broken up through massage (not as pleasant as it sounds).T-hroughout the day we had contractions going regularly, about 6-8 minutes apart consistently. We had been working since about 10am and by the time Chip got home from work, we were ready to give it a rest and just see what happened. The contractions continued and were lovely! I had what I would consider “normal” early labor contractions where there was an intense contraction to work through then a break in the middle with no cramping where I could actually enjoy the company of those around me. I know Shannon though maybe this was it because we called my doula, Hunter to come over and join us. But after about two hours of contractions with no stimulation, they subsided. Ho hum.
Friday I had an ultrasound and midwife appointment. The ultrasound went great, everyone was still head down, perfectly sized and looking ready for their arrival. My midwife checked me and I was standing strong at 4cm dilated. She did a quick membrane sweep which brought on contractions, manageable but I was so glad not to be driving home from League City (my mother in law and Chip’s Granny drove me that day). We stopped for lunch and I continued to work through some pretty regular contractions through lunch. They were regular but they gave me breaks in between so still manageable. However by the time we got home it became clear that it would not be ideal for me to take care of Elijah while I was going through this so once again he went home with Grandmother. I was so grateful to be able to just focus on this potential labor but I was really missing my Elijah. We had not been apart more than a few hours up until recently and I know it was hard on both of us to be a part.
Still sleepy Elijah at Grandmother’s house
Friday evening/night was similar to Wednesday with crazy knock you to your knees labor for hours all night long but by Saturday morning, they had subsided and I was actually feeing pretty good. Shannon offered to send me to see her acupuncture guy, Frank. She knew these crazy nights were wearing me out, not a good thing for when actual labor hits, and still felt that we just needed a little natural push to get things going. I was sitting at 4 cm the day before (all our hard work Thursday had gained me a cm!) and we really believed that once things got going it would not be long before we welcomed our babies. Frank worked on me for about two hours with acupuncture and acupressure and he got some contractions going. They were mild, in fact I had to touch my big belly to feel for tightness sometimes to be sure. I had driven myself and Frank had me call Chip to come get me because he was not comfortable with me driving as you never know how quickly the active labor can come on. I had arrived around 9am and Chip picked me up around noon. I still thought it was a little silly that Frank would not let me drive but in the 30 minutes it took to get home, I changed my tune. Although they were not super close together and I was not experiencing as much cramping in between, those labor pains were really kicking in and I was glad not to be driving.
Elijah was finally home with us after two nights at Grandmother’s house and I was so excited to spend time with him but as I tried to work through the contractions at home (which were getting ore intense by the hour) it was hard to focus with the hustle and bustle of my sweet toddler. So late afternoon, I told Chip that I had to go upstairs to our room. Some how, afternoon turned into evening which turned into night and my contractions had continued to intensify and slowly move closer together. Chip had gone to bed after I reassured him that these contractions would probably subside by morning. There really wasn’t anything he could do for me at this point. I was in such denial. After all, this had been going on for four days! I texted Shannon, one of my midwives who lived about ten minutes away at around 10:30pm and let her know what had been going on that day. She asked if I wanted her to come over but I SO didn’t want to cry wolf. After several exchanges via text Shannon told me SHE would feel much better if I let her come over and check me. I agreed but decided to let Chip continue to sleep. Shannon arrived around 11:30 and checked me. 5cm! But I still wasn’t totally convinced. We decided to go ahead and wake Chip up as I continued to work through contractions. Still in denial that this was actually it, I told Shannon I wanted to wait until I was 6cm to call in the rest of the birth team. I think Shannon, at this point, was pretty convinced this was it so she let the others know what was going on but that I was not ready for them to come. At this point I pretty much lost track of time but I remember Shannon saying she did not want to deliver these babies on her own. That was when I realized that she though this was it and I said to go ahead and call Darlene, our primary midwife. Shannon smiled and said she was already on the way. Slowly people began to trickle in. Shannon asked when I wanted our birth photographer called and told me she was just sitting at home waiting for the call. Again, I hadn’t want to call too early thinking she would like to sleep a bit more but after I realized that she was ready and seemed to want to come I was happy to have he join us! I just hadn’t wanted to inconvenience her and I was still sort of worried that contractions would subside and this would end up being another false alarm. Finally everyone was here. I told Chip we should probably call his mom to come get Elijah. Abby, our awesome birth photographer, shot a few photos of Elijah as left with his Grandmother. Not wanting to upset him in my condition, I didn’t get to see him before he left which was a bummer. But contractions were right on top of one another and increasing by the hour and I did not want to scare him. In retrospect, I really wish I had known this was it so I could have done more of what was on my birth plan for early labor, including spending some time with Elijah before he left.
Once Elijah was gone, Shannon asked if I wanted to blow up the birth pool, saying we probably should have done that a while ago. Chip and Shannon worked on that. In the meantime, Darlene continued to check me every so often and I had not budged from 5cm. Not yet discouraged, I was excited to get in the birth tub. It was super warm and felt amazing. It made dealing with the contractions and crazy in between cramping so much easier, though they still took lots of work.
I then spent several hours working through contractions in the tub, and then switching to the bed. Chip was great at making sure I ate and stayed hydrated feeding me lots of water, a strawberry popsicle and a gluten free pancake I begrudgingly ate. Hunter, my doula, was an incredible support. I know she must have taken breaks but I don’t remember her or Shannon ever leaving my side. I spent most of the evening feeling what is often described as transition labor. I did not want to be touched. Though I was still far from transition. I knew that there were so many people there to help me, comfort me, but I sort of went inside myself and the only relief I felt was in the water (which was helping less and less) and the low moans that sounded, to me, like the sound the Mystics make in the movie The Dark Crystal. (Trust me, this is the perfect description).
As the sky began to lighten and I was getting to my breaking point, someone suggested I try to get in my bathtub and see if that felt better. This made sense to me because I had often found relief there in the past days and months. I climbed in really noticing for the first time that it was morning and asked that Darlene come in and do another check. I just had to be past five centimeters! But as Darlene did my check, I saw the look on her face and I knew…..we were still stuck. It was around 7:30 in the morning….only a few hours away from 24 hours in labor. I knew I could do this. I could stand the pain. But I could not do this forever and right now, that is what I felt like was ahead of me. We discussed breaking my bag of waters but I knew that meant the contractions would intensify which I would be okay with if it moved things along but there was no guarantee that it would, in fact, move things along. I began to surrender to what I felt was inevitable….something I never thought would happen. I would transfer to the hospital. I hated the feeling of defeat. I hated the voices in my head echoing the naysayers of the months leading up to this and all those faces that were telling me “I told you so”. I hated the words as they poured out of my mouth. I hated that I no longer felt strong enough. I hated not knowing if this was the right thing to do. But I knew that after so long in labor, no sleep the night before and only a few hours the previous nights, and no end in sight, my body needed a break.
If you have followed our story, you will have heard me sing the praises of our previous OB, Dr. Espana who told me he was totally supportive of our transfer to midwife care and home birth and agreed to be our back up. In the early hours of the morning as we were preparing to make our hospital transfer which included a 40 minute drive to the Houston Med Center, we would find out that Dr. Epsana refused to come and the on call doctor was one that was known for her lack of support of VBAC. When we left my house, we were still waiting to hear back from Dr. Espana and were debating between going to Texas Childrens and Ben Taub (which is a hospital I have no history with but is known to be supportive of VBAV and vaginal twin birth). In the end, we never heard back and decided to go with Texas Childrens since they had my records. Hoping and praying that there would be a doctor there who would at least try to bring our babies into the world without surgery.
The drive to the med center was the longest of my life. It was only around 8am on a Sunday morning and there was no traffic in sight but I writhed and moaned my way through this drive trying no to think about the fact that it would still be a while even after we arrived before I got some relief. As Chip stopped at red lights I begged him to blow through them almost hoping to get pulled over which could mean a police escort to the hospital. Shannon was in the back seat trying to encourage and coach me and Chip did his best not to hit bumps in the road that would make me wish someone could just knock me out right then and there.
When we pulled up to the valet stand at the hospital I opened the door and fell out of the car onto me knees mid contraction (which was just one in a line of them that seemed to be coming on top of one another, cramping continuing between). Shannon or Chip ( I can’t remember which) asked me if I wanted a wheel chair and I could not even make sense of the question to answer it. I verbally stumbled around a decision and somehow ended up climbing into the wheel chair, unable to sit in it properly and I tucked my legs under me and moaned through what was beginning to feel like one long contraction. We made it up to triage. I was VERY vocal, still doing low moaning but it was getting harder to control my moaning and I know I could be heart throughout the floor because some nursing came running and I was wheeled into a room. They had been waiting for me and I was informed that the on call doctor did not want to work with us. (I didn’t know they had that option!) but there was a fellow on duty who was willing to consider trying a VBAC for our twins. Dr. Teresa Walsh walked into the room and checked me. Meanwhile, at this point, I was BEGGING for pain relief. Labor was nearing the 24 hour mark and hard labor was about 12 hours. They found that I was still at 5 cm which was a little disheartening but I was also sort of relieved that the transfer seemed justified. Bad news was that Baby B (Patrick) had flipped to breech. It was music to my ears when Dr. Walsh said that didn’t worry her and she had no problem delivering a breech baby. She would try to give us a vaginal birth. I could have hugged her except for the fact that I still felt like my body was being ravaged. I asked for pain meds while in triage and was told I needed to get the IV in first. Well the nurse decided that she would go ahead and do that while I was in the middle of a contraction peaking! To me it was quite obvious that she should have waited a minute and I screamed at her…probably using some choice colorful words that escape me right now but basically, I told her to get the hell off of me until my contraction passes. She waited then quickly outfitted me with the IV and right after that I was given morphine to take the edge off. The contractions were still coming but this gave me a break from the cramping in between and I was feeling much better. I was checked in and wheeled to our labor delivery room.
I think it was a couple of hours before I was given the epidural. I know I worked through lots of contractions in L&D and I was checked several times still at 5cm and not budging. I am sure the Pitocin (which still makes me cringe) was not hooked up to me until after I was on the epidural as well as my water being broken. In retrospect, I wish I had let them break my water first and then seen if I needed the Pitocin or the epidural. Maybe I would have progressed and been able to work through contractions knowing my body was once again working and things were in motion. But that this point I could not think straight. I had been awake for so long, had gotten only a few hours sleep in the days leading up to our labor and really did not foresee this coming in order to really make it part of my birth plan. I never figured “stalling” was going to be what did me in.
I finally got hooked up to the epidural and had relief for a while. Chip’s dad and Granny were waiting to come in and they joined us in the Labor and Delivery room along with my midwife, doula and birth photographer. I don’t remember the order of things but there are several things of note that happened over the next several hours. First of all, I started to itch….and not just a little bit. It was AWFUL! The tape holding the epidural in place itched but not only that, my entire body was itching like crazy. Now I know morphine can do that but that had worn off long ago. The nurse let the anesthesiologist know and it was decided that it was something in the epidural medication so that was removed for about an hour while they waited for the anesthesiologist to replace it with something else. I don’t know what the deal was with the itching but I kept asking Hunter to scratch me after discovering she was the only one in the room with good nails. I was also SO thirsty! And they don’t let you drink! I will never understand that. My mouth was so incredibly dry and I am sure the medications make it worse so Hunter kept sneaking me drinks from my water bottle. I was “laboring” in L&D for about 8 hours and the my mouth kept getting dry even with the sips of water I had. I CAN’T IMAGINE what it would be like for someone who didn’t get that relief and I thank GOD I had people there willing help me break some of the silly rules.
I had several checks throughout the day and I was continuing to dilate at a pretty regular pace of about 1 cm every hour and a half or so. Chip’s family left to the waiting room and my team all got a little nap where they could find a spot, cushions on the floor, the couch in the room, a chair…where ever. They had been up a long time too. At one point the nurse came in and told me that I would have to push in the operating room. This, I was not prepared for. Not only that, only one person could go with me. Let me tell you…I fought to have my midwife and birth photographer come with me. I really did. But it became obvious that was not going to happen. I so did not want to leave my labor room. It hadn’t even occurred to me that pushing in O.R. was a possibility. I was devastated but I was also so relieved because I knew the end was drawing near and I would soon meet my babies.
The nurse came in and did a check and found that I was at nine and a half cm. The time had come and she left to getting everyone prepped for me in the O.R. I decided that while she was gone….I would try to push. After all, maybe, just maybe, at least Rory could come out while I was with my team. I began contracting and started to push. Shannon looked at me and starting laughing as she asked me if I was pushing. After I finished I told her “Well, I’m not NOT pushing”. After a few pushes the nurse came casually walking in and asked if I was going to have these babies alone. I said no and she smile and said “Well stop pushing”. Apparently she could see me on the monitor at her station. Oooops.
Abby, our birth photographer set up her camera and gave it to Chip so he could get some shots of our actual birth. The nurse brought Chip his scrubs and then she came back and got us to wheel us into the operating room. At this point I think my epidural was turned pretty far down because I could feel the contractions. We were pushed into the room and there was a big team of doctors and nurses waiting for us. So many people. I was told I would have to move to the operating table. Another surprise! I was going to have to push while on a flat, hard operating table! Let me explain something. I had two babies in me. One was ready to come out and therefore pretty far down. But…..Baby B was still above my ribs. Do you know how hard it would be for me to do a sit up? Virtually impossible. And that is basically what they were asking me to do…..because you have to curl up when you push….and normally you would have a bed that can move up to support you. That. Just. Sucked. I am not sure how long I pushed Rory. I don’t think it was long. I remember I could sort of see him crowing in the reflection of the doctor standing between my legs. There was literally like 5 people around and in front of me.
Pushing was awesome. I was once again an active part of my labor. I was working once more to bring my babies into the world and Rory was moving closer and closer to birth. Chip was holding me up (since I was on a flat table) and also trying to peak over and see his baby boy emerge. Although there were several things I wish the doctors and nurses had done differently, they were nothing if not encouraging. I felt like I had a whole team of people standing in front of me pushing me to work harder to get this baby out. It wasn’t the loving encouragement I would have gotten with my team at home but they were trying to help me get this baby out without surgery and that was important to me. I felt Rory begin to crown and got nervous that it would hurt but I also knew I still had another baby to birth and I needed to push through the pain….and you know what? Crowing was not bad! I pushed through it and, without the slightest tear, Rory’s head popped out. Another push and his body soon followed. I had my VBAC part one. My sweet Rory was born, maybe not how I wanted but he came out the way God intended.
What happened next was a bit of a blur. Darlene and I had planned for me to nurse Rory right after birth so the contractions continued but they would not allow this. Once Rory was born, there was a LOT more room in my stomach and Patrick turned to head down! Someone was pushing on the top of my stomach to make sure he didn’t flip back but Patrick was not descending and my contractions were stopping. More Pitocin was administered. Because my stomach was no longer tight, I could not feel the contractions. A nurse that was holding my stomach was SUPPOSED to tell me when I was contracting so I could push. This did not happen. I kept having to ask and honestly I don’t think she knew. I am not sure why no one could tell me when I was contracting so I could push effectively once Patrick was close enough for me to push. I was told that Patrick’s heart rate was dropped and I had to get him out or we would have an emergency c-section. I pushed and pushed with all my might with my team of doctors and nurses yelling that this needed to happen now. Suddenly his heart rate went back up and we were out of the woods. Yet still no one was telling me when I was contracting and I was holding my hand on my stomach trying to feel it and guess. I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed. At some point I passed out. I remember blacking out and then all of a sudden I woke up…I think I was still pushing but I didn’t know where I was or who these people were for a minute. Then as I remembered, I pushed with all my might. At some point Patrick’s heart rate dropped again. (This may have been before the passing out…I’m not sure) but I was told again that we were in danger and he needed to come out now. I pushed with all my might and the next thing I knew, the curtain went up and they started to cut me.
My eyes got huge as I looked at Chip with a panic and told him I could feel them cutting me! A nurse looked at him and said “Oh, she just feels pressure”. I said NO! I can feel them cutting me! Chip would later tell me that it was at that moment that the anesthesiologist came running in saying he didn’t know they were staring and basically threw himself at my IV and administered medication that would put me in an awake sedation. Let me tell you, this was so different from my c section with Elijah. With Elijah, I felt nothing. I was panicked. I threw up and them tugging him out felt awful but not painful. This time, I felt them cutting me. I was sedated but not numb. It hurt. It hurt like hell. I still hadn’t seen Rory so Chip went over and got him. I think held him but I am not sure if it was while they were delivering Patrick or after. I really didn’t know what was going on. As I type that, my stomach aches with sadness. “I really didn’t know what was going on”. How can that be. How could my beautiful birth have come to this. Did I cause this by coming to the hospital? Had I just toughed it out, would both boys have been born exactly as hoped…healthy at home?
Well, Patrick was taken from my body and his little heart was not beating and there was no breath. I did not know this because, again, I had no clue what was happening. Chip came over and told me Patrick was being taken to the NICU and I told him to stay with him. I was still in a fog but that was something we had decided even with Elijah’s birth…that if any child needed to go to the NICU, Chip would go with them. As soon as I was stitched up, I was moved to a gurney and given Rory. I still had no idea what was going on with my Patrick and it really wouldn’t hit me hard until the following day, when I finally got to see him. I would later find out that his heart started beating pretty soon after birth but he had to be on oxygen until he got to the NICU. There, he began to breath again and was quickly placed on a cooling blanket. (Read more about Patrick’s NICU stay)
It is now six weeks later and I have two healthy babies at home laying in bed next to me as I finally finish documenting my memories of our birth. I fantasized about writing my birth story when I was pregnant. I was going to have a twin home birth after cesarean. It was going to be inspiring. It was going to encourage those who thought they couldn’t do it. It does none of those things. I am so grateful for my sweet and healthy babies. That is what is MOST IMPORTANT. I know that. But how they got here is important too. It is not as important. But it is still important. At least to me. This was to be my redemption birth. I still ache with the beginning I was not able to give Elijah. I have a similar ache for Rory and Patrick. Rory and I were able to give each other the special give of my VBAC and that is awesome. But I wanted so much more for my boys and me than just the VBAC. I’m more than a little sad that things did not work out for the humble, peaceful beginning that I prayed for. I will forever wonder what I could have done differently.
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