Reasons and Reflections

Just this weekend, Chip and I were talking about what we have done for St. Patrick’s Day past and we realized we could not remember what we did last year.  Then we realized what was going on this time last year and why we did not celebrate.  Just one year ago, we were in between finding out that we could not have children naturally and making the decision to move forward with IVF.  It was an extremely sad and dark time for us both and there were no celebrations to be had.  Finding out that I could not conceive the “traditional” way was devastating but not knowing if we would have the means to move forward with an alternative method, put us both in such dark and tragic place in life.  I will always remember that time as “rock bottom”. Little did we know that an amazing miracle in the form of a baby boy would be heading our way in the months to come! 

I don’t know why some people are fertile and others are not.  I don’t know why some of us are chosen to go through this experience.  In my times of dark bitterness, I searched in vain for a reason why this was happening to me, and to us.  As I come out on the other side of longing and am about to become a mother, I realize my struggle may have a purpose.  You see, during my testing, procedures, depression and emptiness, my best friend was there to guide me.  She had been through what I was going through.  She shared her experience, prepared me for what was to come and helped me pull through the darkness.  I did not know it then, but her loving words along with those of many of our friends and not least of all, my dear husband, helped to carry me through this time.  

I now find myself “surrounded” by women who are at different points in the same struggle that I have walked through.  I can only hope that I can offer even a fraction of the love and support that my Heather gave me.  But I do feel my purpose.  I feel my experience, strength and hope wanting to lend itself to these dear friends that I know will soon be Mommies.  Looking back, I can see when the dark times were and when I started moving back towards the light.  I did not know these things at the time.  I know that it is easier to see these things in retrospect and also that everyone’s journey is not the same.  But I hope that sharing my experiences has helped and will help these amazing women.  Good luck, my friends. You know who you are.  And I KNOW we will be celebrating your mommyhood very soon.