Tony & Angela Crochet Wedding Montage

This is the montage I put together of our lives and life leading up to our promise of forever. It was made to be shown during our wedding events but many people missed it. There was a lot going on that day! :) 

Becoming A Family of Five: Post I - Getting Ready

 

On February 16, 2020, after a year together, then 11 apart, then a little over 3 together again, we became the Crochet family! I have dreamed of marrying this man and we had a very unique, meticulous and intentional manner of planning our wedding. In the end, we created a beautiful fairytale love letter wedding for one another and our boys! 

Everything from the rehearsal dinner, to the ceremony, the reception and the lodging took place at Historic Hill House and Farm. I discovered the property after Tony and I had already narrowed our venue selection down to two beautiful choices. In fact, the first tour at Hill House, I did by myself. They were just starting to build the ballroom barn but the moment I pulled up I knew that this was our place. It had elements of both of us individually as well as us as a couple. The main house reminded me of the classic architecture I grew up around in Valley Forge, Pennsylvania. The house built in the mid 1800's had original windows which have the wavy look that windows get as they dramatically age. The twos barns being used to build the venue were antique barns, one from Pennsylvania and were being reassembled using the original pegs (not nails, pegs!) which I knew would appeal to Tony. The 149 acres of property and secluded appealed to us both. And not only did the property suit us perfectly, but we ended up suiting the owners vision as well. As soon as he saw Tony's website,  he wanted to meet Tony to discuss contracting his services. (But more on that later). 

 The guys "getting ready" area was the pool house. I had spent the night before on property and our three boys had gone home with Tony then spent the pre ceremony time, mostly hanging out with the guys. Tony did an amazing job getting them ready for the big day!

Tony even did a little last minute sewing for Elijah!

Each boy had a unique tuxedo to match his personality

They loved getting to wear their "I love you , son" pocket watches that Tony and I had given them the night before at the rehersal dinner

My handsome groom getting himself ready now that the boys were dressed. 

And now time for finishing touches on vows!

Meanwhile at the main house.....

Everyone was chasing me down because I was still putting finishing touches on the decor....

Last minute toe touch ups

My amazing bridesmaid, Morgan snuck over to the guys to put the boutonniere on her guy, groomsman, Jim. 

Jim apparently put boutonnieres on everyone else. 

 

Morgan spent about a quarter of the day under my dress

TJ looking all handsome and gentleman like

Elijah was so thrilled with his new pocket watch

It was a whirlwind of a morning, especially since I was up until 5am decorating for the big day. Thank goodness for the adrenaline  that comes with the excitement and anticipation of marrying your best friend!  

Hard To Love

There is probably a lot about my personality that makes me hard to love. Ask anyone who has tried. But there are two I know for sure and they are results of things that happened to me, around me, and I did not ask for either of them. These two facts of my life created a dramatic shift in who I am.  They activated personality traits that were dormant and enhanced some that were less prominent. 

The first life altering fact of my life is infertility. Infertility brought forth this monster of pain and angst and people who have never been touched by it, let alone experienced it, love to give advice and condemn the victims of it for having feelings other than grace and happiness during pregnancy announcements, baby showers, family gatherings and allegedly innocent comments made about subjects that are, frankly, no one else's business. 

Not everyone deals with infertility the same. In fact, I am probably a worse case scenario on letting it impact life and emotions. (In fact, the first thing I say to someone who is in the weeds and overcome by the pain of infertility is "It is okay to feel this way. However you feel, whatever impulse you imagine, it is not wrong to feel that way"). Part of loving me as my partner in life is understanding that, even though I have had the honor and privilege to give birth to three amazing little boys through the miracle of IVF, babies still make me sad. I always planned on having a big family. I still would like that. But it is not a matter of me and my partner coming to that decision. After the decision is made, it becomes a matter of how the heck are we going to cough up $20,000 to maybe have a chance at one more baby. And if word of any of that gets out, that is when the peanut gallery chimes in and makes you feel like an ungrateful (insert your favorite expletive noun here) for not being satisfied with what you have etc. Nothing makes you feel like super mom more than someone telling you there is something wrong with you for loving your babies so much that you want more of them, and how some don't get any at all. I KNOW ALL THIS. BELIEVE ME! I COULD HAVE EASILY BEEN ONE OF THEM! 

So what does loving, specifically, me entail when dealing with babies? It means you are not allowed to be (at least visibly) happy for anyone's pregnancy/birth etc. Follow my lead, and if I am happy, go ahead and be happy but just a hair less happy than I appear to be,. Because if I am showing enthusiasm for anyone's pregnancy, I promise you, I am still dying on the inside. Sorry folks. Thems the facts. So many articles about dealing with someone who has infertility (dealing with, don't you just love it) advise friends and family to be understanding but still send out that invitation to the baby shower. I am here to tell you, I'm okay not getting it. I am honestly trying my best to pretend you aren't pregnant when you aren't around so that I don't have to think about the fact that I am not either. And if you really know me, you already know this and accept it and I have likely loved you enough to overcome this in spurts because you are important to me. 

But it is a lonely cross to bare, made only bearable by the person that loves me and their acceptance of what I need in that situation. 

There is one more thing that make me hard to love. It is one of those events has split my life into "before" and "after". I lost my baby brother March 23, 2015. He was 17 years my junior. His death was traumatic and I was by his bedside in the hospital for the last 12 hours of his life. Visually it is haunting. It is one of those things you can't "unsee". Emotionally it destroyed me. And left me questioning everything, including what I could have done to prevent it, my last interaction with him, the haunting waking dream I have of reliving, from his perspective, that day with great detail put together by hundreds of puzzle pieces I gathered from various sources, police reports, EMT reports, friends, family. 

The best way to explain the aftermath is not that it gets easier, but that the space between breakdowns gets harder and the timing, sometimes, is partially manageable. The days leading up to the anniversary of his death are always hard. I think about how this time, however many years ago, there was still time to save him. If I had only....then maybe.... But there are two dates, every year, that became mine when he died. March 23, his death and November 14th, his birth. I witnessed both. And if you love me, don't make plans for either day. I do not know how it will affect me that year. I do not know what I will feel like planning, how I want to honor him or how deeply the knife of pain will dig on that day, but once again (sorry not sorry) nothing matters that day but being with me and the boys and remembering my brother. Once again, people that know nothing about this kind of loss like to scoff, call you mentally ill, put an expiration date on your pain and generally belittle you for having feelings. But if you haven't been through it, you do not get to have an option.

Just like, if you haven't been through infertility and the components that make up my journey (Miscarriage, IVF, IUI, around $60,000, marital strain, NICU and almost losing one, hundreds of painful shots, hundreds of vaginal ultrasounds that leave you longing for just a normal visit to the gyno, anxiety ridden two week waits, thousands of dollars spent on fertility supplements and devices, special fertility diets, self loathing, you get the picture) you don't get to have an opinion and frankly should not talk about it unless you are saying something wonderful. 

And just a side note to my boys. 

YOU ARE ENOUGH. 

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY

PART OF THE REASON I WANT MORE IS BECAUSE OF HOW AMAZING YOU THREE ARE!

And to my brother

PART OF THE REASON I FEEL LOVE WITH THE IDEA OF MOTHERHOOD WAS BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU

Not all of the effects of these two elements has been negative. As a result of infertility and allowing my journey to be public, I have had the honor of walking with many others through that same journey, sharing some things I learned along the way through research and practice and offering words and advice that I wished someone would  have said to me. In fact, some I still need to hear these things at times, even if it is me saying it. And the same goes for my brother's death. Its yet another club that I never wanted to be a part of but there are a lot of us. And I am grateful for the fellowship and camaraderie. I am also grateful that the person that loves me already knows (partially figured out) and accepts these facts of our life. He knows this is not something I have a choice about, just like I didn't have a choice about the things that caused them. He knows that I might react to other's insensitivity in a less than desirable way but that I do not initiate confrontation on these issues and just need distance, with him, from the situation. He has become my advocate, my strength and allows me a reprieve. I am so grateful.  

Tony's Birthday Card From The Boys

 

Such a sweet representation of the past over year and a half of the boys life with their Tony. We are so blessed to have him in our lives. He is an amazing leader for our team. He teaches them patience, kindness, and personal expression through art and activity.  We love him more than we can put into words.

Spring Family Photos with Bluebonnets

We managed to get our yearly bluebonnets pictures done though this year it was a bit later than normal. Still, we were able to find some and really enjoyed the location our fabulous photographer, April Sanchez (Taylor Morgan Photography) chose for our photo shoot. April perfectly captured our family and throughout this photo shoot, I felt so connected to these four guys that I love so deeply. It was one of the most fun and relaxed photo shoots I have ever had. I loved watching my little boys run around and have fun as April captured sweet moments. I loved gazing into Tony's eyes, every second was a genuine expression of my love and adoration of him. This day and our love of our family was so perfectly captured and I am grateful for every beautiful photo. 

There are so many fabulous photos. In fact, I love every single one but I will share "just a few" (wink) of my favorites!

This was the first pictures we took. Seconds later Patrick stepped in a hole in the ground to his left. SO we had a little hold up while Tony comforted him. Rory was happy to jump in for some solo shots though!

 Such big smiles and laughs out of this little boy

 Love those big blue eyes

Typical Rory look. Love this boy with a huge personality. 

 The tiniest boy with the giant heart!

 Full of laughter and smiles

 Patrick will always be "my Tiny" 

 This sweet boy right here is going to be a world changer. He talks about helping people and animals and even "rescues" bugs from our pool. 

 Our Elijah has a heart of gold and is just a happy sweet boy. 

 I just cannot believe how big he is getting. Where did my baby go?!

God knew what he was doing when He made him my "first". 

 Our three musketeers! 

 Love these boys to the moon. 

Perfect capture of brotherly love. 

 Happily Five

 Loved every minute of this day. But was surprised when I realized how much I adore looking in his eyes even when someone is watching

Kissing and laughter....nothing like it

This man has my heart

 Such a cute idea for a shot from April!

 THIS is our favorite. Will definitely be the one for the fireplace. 

Love this man more ways than I can count!

THE BLUEBONNETS!

 Traditionally our bluebonnet photo shoot has always served as Elijah's birthday photos since they fall around the same time. 

 His first bluebonnet pics were when he was in Mama's belly!

 CANNOT believe my first baby was about to turn six!

 My sweet Roar!

 No one loves their Mama like this boy does

 He is happiest when he is outside in nature. 

 And here's my Tiny PJ!

He will always be "My Tiny" 

 This little boy has amazed me since the beginning!

 Three of the funniest people I have ever met!

 Seriously love my family

 This is us.

Meant to be. 

 The pictures April took of Tony and me felt so special. I can't believe how much I love this man!

 Magic.

 Swoon. Every. Single. Day. 

 My other favorite photographer, Monique Foreman, began this tradition of the walk away picture with the boys and me and I love it. I was excited for us to include Tony is this year's. Super special. 

 He always makes me laugh. 

 Such little frolickers 

 He pretty much holds our world together.